I've been in rather a bit of a funk lately.  Which boggles me to no end--I just got married to a beautiful sweet and loving woman, just had an awesome wedding, just had an incredible honeymoon, shouldn't I still be dancing-on-clouds giddy?  Instead I find myself at times almost depressed, occasionally panicky.  (Jessie is wonderful at alleviating these feelings, but I don't see her for the majority of my weekdays.)

I have a couple theories as to what's going on here; perhaps it's one of these, perhaps a combination of several of them.

--Financial/Occupational Fear.  I'm going back to grad school (part time) in the fall, as well as teaching multiple classes at multiple other colleges (two of which will be classes I've never taught before).  I'm going to be very very busy.  It's going to be very very expensive.  And teaching as an adjunct does not pull very much cash flow--for a while I'm almost going to be a drain on the household finances rather than an asset.  I very much want to be a provider, so perhaps the fact that I'm now married is now aggravating (rather than alleviating) this concern.  I don't want to feel like I'm dragging my wife down.

--Crash.  During our wedding, during our honeymoon, I was smiling so hard and so constantly that it hurt.  I have never felt that much joy before, not all at once and for such a duration.  It was almost like a high.  Is this just the crash afterward?  Not to sound manic-depressive, but maybe such an emotional high necessitates a following emotional low?

--Loneliness.  This one makes no sense to me: I'm married now!  I should be less lonely!  I even have my cat with me now!  But nevertheless it seems that there's a lonely element to what I'm feeling now.  I crave being around people all of a sudden, almost desperately.  Perhaps it's the hours alone at home that I have while Jessie's at work.  Or perhaps being surrounded by all my loved ones for the wedding has now left a gaping hole when they've all gone to their respective homes and hometowns.  Or perhaps it's the solitary nature of my current job, where I don't see my coworkers and don't get to know my supervisors and really don't see anyone other than my students.  Maybe even my forced absence from the Xanga community (due to unreliable Internet) has contributed to this feeling.  Maybe the lack of close friends my age around here is a factor.  Jessie helps immeasurably with this one, but doesn't get rid of it completely--she's only one person.  Singles take note: apparantly even marriage does not exempt you from feeling lonely.

--Frustration.  Be it printers, other electronics, my occupation, or what-have-you: I just can't seem to get it to work.  There's always a crucial part or electronic file missing.  Makes me want to scream.

--Busyness.  We have a lot to do.  We're trying to set up a repeater so we can get decent cell phone reception in the apartment.  I still can't get the stupid printer working.  We have to close my bank account, close Jessie's bank account, and dump all the money in our new joint account.  We have to change my address on my driver's licence, change Jessie's name on her license, change Jessie's name on her everything else, etc.  Just thinking about it all makes me want to curl into a ball and hide.  Preparing for the wedding was insanely busy, but that was fun.  This is not fun.

--Stupidity.  I can't see how awesome I've got it, keep focusing on the few things I don't have.  I have nothing to blame except my own stupidity for this.

So yeah.  I don't know quite how to shake this--I'm trying my old lonely-at-Binghamton perscription of sunshine and praise music, but I don't feel it helping all that much yet.

Sorry to turn my normally-more-discussion-oriented blog into a personal vent.  Hopefully I'll be able to shake this soon.

Hey!  The Internet's working today!  (For now--it's spotty.)

Sure, I'd love to use this moment of working Internet time to blog.  I've had an idea bouncing around in my head about the Nature of Evil as relates to the Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition nine-alignment system.

...But these shelves need hanging, without a studfinder no less.  And I have to prepare tomorrow's lesson, too.

Hopefully soon I'll get better at synchronizing the ideas with the free time at a time when the Internet is working.  Until then, y'all will just have to wait.

*static* *static*  --anyone hear me?  This connection is spo--  *static*

*hiss* *crackle* --turning from Alaska.  Repeat: we are returning from--  *static*

*bzzt* *hiss* --sunburnt and tired and in desperate need of-- *hiss*

*static* --mountains so high that we kept climbing for three hours and still never reached the summit.  While nearing the top we lost our--  *static*

*bzzt*  --sound the glaciers make is called 'White Thunder' by the Inn-- *crackle*

*hiss*  *static* --don't know what that is.  Stand by.  I'm going to--  *bzzt*

*crackle*  --OH MY GOD IT'S FULL OF STARS! OH MY--  *static*

*bzzt* *hiss*