Sunday, I got a fortune cookie fortune that I wasn't sure how to interpret.
"You will be successful someday."I stared at it, puzzled over it. Was it saying, reassuringly,
"Don't worry--you'll make it! It's going to be okay!" Or was it saying
"Yeah, all right, you'll be successful... someday."Just in case, instead of leaving the little prophetic slip of paper on my plate, I put it in my wallet where I keep my favorite fortunes. (I once got
"You will have a passionate love life." I also got
"God will give you whatever you want" twice in the same week, at two different restaurants. And once I got
"Please disregard last fortune.")
So I was mulling over my fortune that night. Success. What is success? Right now success for me would be a well-paying full-time job, the sort of job that I don't dread going to work each morning, and yet that pulls enough of the green stuff that my soon-to-be wife could (if she wants) quit her job. That would be success. And I don't particularly want it someday--I want it soon. Like, yesterday.
Yeah. If I had that job, I would be successful.
Why aren't I successful?
From my bed, I raised my eyes to heaven, somewhat accusingly, holding God to the standard of a Chinese-restaurant cookie prediction. God, where's my success? Why have you been holding it from me? Have I been doing something wrong? Did I go and get the wrong Master's Degree? What was my mistake?--because I don't have success, so
something went wrong.
With a harrumph, I rolled over and looked for something to read. I like to read myself to sleep. But most of my books have been moved over to Jessie's apartment in anticipation of the coming wedding. I found an Eldredge title that my dad had tossed on my now-empty bookshelf, saying he didn't want it. I cracked it to see if it was any good.
"I've spent too many years trying to figure out life on my own. Reading books, attending classes, always keeping an eye out for folks who seemed to be getting the hang of things... We do this all the time, all of us, this monitoring and assessing and observing and adjusting, trying to find the keys to make life work..."The good news is you can't figure out life like that. You can't possibly master enough principles and disciplines to ensure that your life works out. You weren't meant to, and God won't let you. For he knows that if we succeed without him, we will be infinitely further from him. We will come to believe terrible things about the universe--things like I can make it on my own and If only I try harder, I can succeed. That whole approach to life--trying to figure it out, beat the odds, get on top of your game--it is utterly godless. Meaning, entirely without God. He is nowhere in those considerations..."You might have heard the old saying 'Give someone a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach someone to fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.' The same holds true for life itself. If you give someone an answer, a rule, a principle, you help him solve one problem. But if you teach him to walk with God, well then, you've helped him solve the rest of his life. You've helped him tap into an inexhaustible source of guidance, comfort, and protection."--John Eldredge, Walking With God
Why is it that I so often find I've been asking the wrong questions?
All that I'm looking for with my idea of "success..." The lucrative stress-free job, the house, the financial stability... I ultimately want it because I want security, independence, and safety. I want to not have to trust God--to keep him as a backup, sure, like a flashlight in case the power goes out, but not to be relying on him.
It's not that financial stability is a bad thing. And I still intend to achieve it. But when I achieve it there will be something else--another crisis, another pressure, another stress. That's life. And it's there for a reason: there to keep me from getting so comfortable that I don't need God.
Success someday? No, never fully. There will always be something, some part of my life, that I'm unsuccessful in. I will never figure it all out. And that's actually a good thing. (Is it me, or is that thought incredibly relieving?)
I won't keep this fortune in my pocket any longer.
Comments (14)
Back before I discovered my interest in women I got a fortune cookie that said, "You and your wife will be very happy together."
Now, I don't really foresee marriage in my future at all, but, I mean, the fortune cookie... it told me....
bless ya!
cm
I too have wrestled a lot with this whole question because my fellow high school graduates voted me "Most Likely to Succeed," a label I wouldn't have wished on myself or anyone else. In one sense, I have "succeeded"--I'm a college professor who enjoys his work, etc. But that is success as defined in one way. And there were many points along the path to this point that I wouldn't have thought myself on the road to any kind of "success." And even now, I don't always see what I do as being real success. I would rather find and define my success in God.
Also, let me know if you finish that book. I've been eying it enviously for awhile.
Thank you for sharing your ruminations.
My favorite cookie fortune of all time was received by Betsy: "You shall become more aware of your growing awareness." I still get the giggles over that one.
Realizing I am not supposed to figure it all out was a tremendous relief and turning point for me. As the expectations and stresses left, I was now free to focus on God's love for me and His grace-I was wowed by the new understanding that the only thing I had to do was to keep connected and seek His face and He would guide me and take care of the rest. Simple but not always easy. Succes is not defined by status or stuff - it is defined by how many lives I have touched with love while on my journey. Have a blessed day.